The Reason I Jump
write-alike by Faiza

The Reason I Jump write-alike by Faiza

I have depression. I didn’t know I had it until close family members pointed it out. My whole life I thought the feeling of being in long periods of awful headspaces was normal. But it is, actually, completely normal. Just not in the way I had previously thought. My concept of depression when I was younger was just being really sad all the time, but I soon learned that wasn’t even close to the case at all. Depression is a way more complex concept than I will ever truly be able to understand.

Once I hit puberty, that’s when it really began. The spiral into anger, frustration, and sadness. The constant overthinking, I can’t get my mind to shut up. The sleepless nights of laying completely still, letting the darkness wash over me while my mind races around and around making me dizzy with the same thoughts over and over. The same thoughts, the same questions, the same phrases on repeat, the only difference being which voice would narrate them each night.

Not only do my emotions unbearably intensify but sometimes they cease to exist at all. No matter how hard the emotions are to deal with, this is by far much, much worse. I become numb. A haze over the emotions. Distant to my own feelings as if I am looking through a smoky pane of glass, curiously watching myself from afar, wondering and waiting for the time that I can be present in my own body again. At times I fear that I’m gone for good and the feelings will never come back. That I will just walk through life void of proper thoughts and emotions. I still quiver at the thought of never being able to reach myself again.